"Trauma isn’t what happens to us — it’s what fails to happen within us."– Dr. Gordon Neufeld
What If Feelings Are the Answer? Reflections from the Biology of Belonging Conference on Dr. Gordon Neufeld’s brilliant talk
Every now and then, you hear someone speak and feel like your whole understanding of childhood, wellbeing, even healing itself, quietly shifts. That’s how it felt listening to Dr. Gordon Neufeld at the Biology of Belonging conference. His talk was bold, emotional, funny, deeply human, and packed with insights that linger long after the applause fades.
If you don’t already know his work, Gordon Neufeld is a Canadian developmental psychologist and author, best known for co-authoring Hold On to Your Kids with Gabor Maté. He’s spent decades helping parents, educators, and clinicians understand children’s emotional worlds and his lens is rooted in attachment theory, neuroscience, and a good deal of wisdom. What stood out in this talk, though, wasn’t just the science — it was the heart behind it. This is something that was consistent throughout the conference.
What If We’ve Been Getting Stress and Trauma All Wrong?
Neufeld challenged one of the biggest assumptions we make: that stress and trauma are about the load we carry. You’ve probably heard of the ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences) studies, the idea that early hardship correlates with poorer outcomes later in life. Neufeld doesn’t dispute that. But he argues that it’s not just about what happened to us. Trauma, he says, is what fails to happen within us in response to those events. It’s when development, emotional and relational growth, gets interrupted.
And here’s the big reframe: it’s not the stressful event that breaks us. It’s the disruption to togetherness, that deep, evolutionary need for connection. When children lose their felt sense of being held, known, and safe, things start to unravel.
“Trauma is not in the event. It’s what fails to happen within you as a response.”
Attachment First — Not Survival
This one floored me: Neufeld says we’ve got Maslow’s hierarchy upside down. Survival isn’t our most basic need — attachment is. Our need for togetherness, to be seen and known and belong, is more essential than food or safety. Because without connection, even survival becomes unbearable.
It explains so much: why children act out when they feel disconnected, why behaviour often gets worse when we focus solely on consequences and not connection. And why real healing begins not with interventions or strategies, but with relationship.
“We are creatures of attachment first and foremost.”
Feelings vs. Emotions — And Why the Difference Matters
One of the most powerful ideas in Neufeld’s talk was the difference between emotions and feelings.
Emotions are energy — reactive, driven, often designed to fix or fight something.
Feelings, on the other hand, are quieter — they're the brain's way of interpreting internal signals, making meaning, helping us mature and process experience.
But here’s the catch: under stress, our brains are wired to suppress feelings so we can cope. And while that might help us get through a crisis in the short term, over time it leads to something Neufeld calls unrecovered feelings — a kind of emotional shutdown. From the outside, that can look like “strength” or “resilience,” but inside, the system isn’t working. We're just disconnected from what we feel.
“We fail to notice when feelings go missing… because we don’t differentiate between feelings and emotions.”
Unrecovered Feelings Are at the Root of So Much Suffering
This was the central theme: most emotional and behavioural struggles, in children and adults, stem not from the presence of pain, but from the absence of feeling. Feelings go missing when it’s not safe to feel. And the longer they stay missing, the more disconnected and dysregulated we become.
But the good news? Recovery isn’t about fixing people. It’s about getting the feelings back. The right ones. At the right time. In the right context.
“Recovery is a story of feelings… It’s about getting feelings back.”
What Helps? Safety. Play. Relationship.
So what helps? What gets the feelings back? According to Neufeld, there are two main ingredients:
Trusting Dependence within Attachment – When a child knows they can depend on you, really depend on you, even when things are hard, that safety opens the door to healing. This isn’t co-dependence. It’s developmentally appropriate reliance — especially important in a world that pushes independence way too soon.
The Play Drive – True play (not performance, not competition) is a space where kids can rest emotionally. Play lets the brain stop bracing and start healing. It’s “not for real,” as Neufeld puts it — and that’s what makes it safe.
“The womb of well-being... is safe together happiness and emotional play.”
Bonus Thought: Sadness Isn’t the Problem — It’s the Answer
Neufeld also spoke about felt futility — the moment we feel that something just can’t work, and our system lets go. That’s when tears come. Not tantrums. Not shutdowns. But soft, healing tears. In many ways, this is the opposite of depression, it's the end of striving and the beginning of surrender. He calls it the “answer to depression,” not the cause.
“Felt futility is the most pivotal, most profound, most promising... of all human feelings.”
So What Can We Do?
This talk left me thinking about how much we prize performance and self-sufficiency, even in our kids. But what if the most important thing we can offer at home, in schools, in therapy is a safe enough relationship where feelings can come back?
Here are some takeaways I’m thinking about:
Look past behaviour and ask, what feelings might be missing here?
Prioritise relationship over correction. Care can't get through if connection isn’t there.
Make room for play — real, creative, emotional play.
Let sadness have its place. It softens the heart and brings healing.
Never underestimate how profound your presence can be. Children don’t just need support — they need to feel held by someone who can handle their feelings without flinching. In Gordon's words - “you are your child’s best bet.”
Whether you are a parent, teacher, or therapist — or just someone trying to make sense of the emotional messiness of being human — Neufeld’s message is a gentle, profound reminder:
Healing doesn’t begin with strategies or skills.
It begins with feeling safe enough to feel again.
